Moi FB quips and jokes 2018

GIFcastic - a new term that I coined. It's when someone uses GIFs to be sarcastic.

As long as there is power struggle, even on a small scale, no good intention can come to fruition. Tragic really.
"Be the change you wish to see in this world." Yeah, right! Our reality is this - We shall participate in small-scale power play while heaping criticism on the large-scale power struggle that is broadcast to the nation. 😒

100 shades, 100 rules
One me, one lifetime
Numbers not adding up 🤔

Age humour:
Me on the dance floor in a noisy and crowded pub - Man, I should have learnt sign language. It would have been handy right now. 😜

Sarcasm - Ask Chandler Bing 😁
One of the side-effects of doling out sarcasm always - you begin to wonder if it was a compliment 🤔 or was the other person being sarcastic as well 😂

Difference between mosquitoes and vampires:
Mosquitoes find me attractive 😍, they just can't get enough of me, even with mosquito repellant. No fake modesty here, no sir.
P.S. - I know, lame 😅

Sherlock Holmes - "I am a high-functioning sociopath."
Me - "I am a high-functioning vegetable (on weekdays). On weekends, I am a basic non-functioning no-nutrient vegetable left to shrivel without refrigeration." 😛😝😂

One side-effect of not getting out often - laughing at my own lame jokes 😂😂

Alternative career choices:
- How about becoming a landlord?
- I don't have (even) a tombstone to my name let alone a building to let 😂

It's not the struggle that is disheartening but the lack of drive.

Does this make sense? 🤔 - It's not only about how you feel when spending time with someone but also how you feel once the meeting is over.

Yes, I'm that kinda fool who plugs in the charger but always fails to switch it on, and after half an hour realises what went wrong 💩

"You can't make everyone happy. You are not salted buttery popcorn." 😜

Bored humour:
Friend - Get a life dude! *rolls eyes*
Me - Still haven't figured out what to do with the one I have right now, what will I do with another. Tsk tsk.
Friend - *face palm*

Gossip humour:
"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." So is starring in tall tales 😉

That moment when you recall a joke and smile to yourself... and the auto driver gives you a nervous look in the side mirror 😬

"Being a grudge holder makes you fat." - Cher, Mamma Mia 2
And here I thought it was all that takeout 😂

Foodie humour:
- What's your Friday night plans?
- Swiggy and Chill
- You mean Netflix and Chill?
- Nope. Swiggy and Chill. You know, binge eat the night away 😋

Attention seeker humour:
I'd rather be foremost in an enemy's mind than be an afterthought in a friend's. 😎

Life skills humour:
Interviewer - What type of skills and experience will you bring to the job and this firm?
Me - Passive aggressiveness, procrastination, dry humour, and self-pity, to name a few.
Interviewer - Um mm... Please elaborate.
Me - I can smell bullshit from a mile away, introspect like a SoB, zone out without much effort, and wear black 7 days a week.
Interviewer - 🙌 🙏 😶

Performance Appraisal Humour

Appraiser: What do you see in your future?

Appraisee: Uno momento por favor. (Takes out a Maritime telescope) Yup! I spy a nervous breakdown on the horizon. 🙊😹

Music is not only fun but also funny:

Every time a Webpage takes time to download and I am stuck looking at the blank screen for a long while, guess what song runs in my head?

🎶Say something I'm giving up on you...🎵

Anyone else read #earlybirdgetstheworm as early bridget is the worm?

Your tears don't make you weak. Never be ashamed of it. It is a natural way of expressing overwhelming emotions. Shame comes into question only when you use your tears to garner sympathy.

Explanations are in order I guess 🙄

Sweetheart,

I do not presume to understand the demons you battle, and you can never ever understand mine. The difference between us lies in that, that you require comrades to battle yours while I need to fight mine solo. Hence, the need for space.

Yours,

A recluse.

P. S - I fancy the term, 'lone wolf' 😂

Question - How to piss off a serious card player?

Answer - Shuffle the deck with the cards face up 🙃 🃏

Someone - You are going to hell!

Me - What!? I am from hell. I just visit earth from time to time on vacation breaks. 😂😈

Just watched a man eat grilled mackerel (fish) using chopsticks. I have never felt this helpless (about picking a fish clean off its bones), anxious (about swallowing stray bones with each bite), and impatient (about the slow consumption) while watching a video before. Dang! My palms are perspiring from anxiety. 😕

Power of books:
Buddy - How was your day?
Me - 90% reading on the neurotic and self-destruction meter, but hey, nothing a good book wouldn't cure, temporarily at least

Speaking the same language:
Potterhead - "How old are you?"
Me - "I knew him back when he was known as Tom Riddle."

So used to autorickshaw drivers demanding excess fare that when once in a while an auto driver accepts meter charge, I am overwhelmed by the need to thank him profusely, say a prayer for his family, and pay him more. Smh 😂😂

Burning bright

Picture perfect

From butterfly to woman - both bring colour into your life

"I am me, the good, bad, ugly."

When you are painted
As the villain in stories
It becomes easier
With each story
To portray the monster
That you are thought to be

It is liberating
To be the real you
In your private time
And the perceived you
In the spectators' time
It shows your versatility
To be a weapon, or a shield

Spectators pay the price
In time you learn
To give them the show
That they want to see
When the curtain comes down
You are you, as peaceful as can be

A side note:

To the narrator, the spectators,

           You want an angel, paint one
           You want a demon, paint one
           The portrait you create
           Is what you see, forever
           The final decision lies
           In the hands of the wielder